Tag Archives: truths

Obsessively Compulsively Myself

OCD is this big broad thing that sometimes means a lot and sometimes means so little. I think it means so much when you know that it is happening, but it means so little when it is in a low time. Media and movies have made it seem like those with OCD are only those who must count to twenty before they leave their houses, or they must turn a light on and off multiple times before they leave a room. For me OCD means not sleeping because I am too worried about something going wrong or having a breakdown when the night or day does not go exactly as I have planned.

The moments when I know I am going to spiral are long and drawn out. They last for hours sometimes days and all I can do is be a passenger to my own mind. I can feel when it creeps up, usually due to something that is going to change and it is so far out of my control. My jaw will clench and my stomach will drop and no matter where I am or what I am doing I need to stop. I must, in that moment, drop what I am doing so I can simply harvest enough energy to panic.

I have ever met someone else with diagnosed OCD. I sometimes wonder if I am the only one in the whole world who has breakdowns because there is a possibility I may be promoted. Do other people feel like the entire day is no longer worth it if they are running late for work or sleep in past an alarm? Am I one of few, or one of many who don’t need to count everything, but have been keeping a running count of my steps since I woke up this morning? I hate math, but I am so drawn to even number that my radio can never be on 17 it needs to be on 20. I will even reach up from someone’s back seat to change the sound level, because it makes me sick.

I am one single person. One person who identifies as female and stands at 5 feet 6 inches tall. A person who somehow is two people because in my mind I am a buzzing mess of things to do and times they need to be finished but on the outside I smile and move along as if nothing is wrong.

Every night before I go to sleep I take a small white cylindrical pill. Sometimes before I swallow it down I just look at it. I look at how small it is and at the thin green stripes that enclose each end and I thank it. I thank it because it was there for me even when I did not want or care for it. It has brought me up and made me sleep. This small white cylindrical pill has done more for my mental health in a year then anything has done in the last 20.

I have OCD and it has been one long year. I have had it my whole life is what doctors say yet I recognize only a one year milestone. One year I have felt so much relief and I no longer wake up in the middle of the night worried that everything I own will stop working. I no long cry because I can’t seem to think one normal thought. I am me and me is obsessive. I am me and me is compulsive. I am me and I have grown for the better. I am me and I will no longer be a victim to my own mentality.

Opinions.

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One of the most obnoxious things is probably a person who tends to push their opinions onto you. It’s perfectly good to have an opinion and to feel passionate about it, but the line needs to be draw somewhere. When it comes to the point where every time someone says something you are trying to back it up with some strange fact list that seems to only come in your opinions favor, you have an issue. It’s time for an opinion intervention, because you are not always going to be right. Your feelings toward an issue are not the only ones, and that should not be hard to understand. 

Where I stand in the world I am constantly surrounded only by teenagers who by nature think they are always right. With this territory comes the few that can’t seem to have an open mind for even a second. I guess there are a lot of things that could be to blame for this. Parents are one because in some households an opinion is bred from birth, and everything else almost seems to be a betrayal. Mom and dad spent their entire time parenting making sure they would produce the perfect child who would stand up for everything they believed in, well guess what it worked. So many kids are asked where they stand on politics and other major issues and so many of them answer; “I’m not really into that but my parents say…” and then they proceed to regurgitate years of their parents evidence and reasons. So here stands my second issue with opinions, half of the time they are fueled by an irrelevant fire. 

What is so hard to grasp is that some people can go on for their entire lives not knowing what it is like to learn something from somebody who believes differently then you. It can be thrilling to here the other side of the story. To learn all about something that may have never been a thought to you before. This is by no means telling you to abandon all your views on things, but to take a step back and realize sometimes you don’t have all the facts straight and it is perfectly okay. Be strong in where you lie in life, but never restrict yourself to what you “know” is true. There are so many opinions in the world, and half of them can’t even be touched upon because everyone is to busy protecting their most passionate ones. It’s about a balance, a balance between knowing, learning and accepting.